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When I was a youngster I recall reading about the master clock in Greenwich that was accurate to one millionth of a second and was the wonder of the world The BBC had a line to their transmitter and the pips would broadcast a five-second countdown to the hour. Everyone would set their clocks by them and never doubted their veracity. Ships at sea would check their chronometers, a pennyweight would be put on, or taken off, the pendulum of Big Ben to adjust its rate and butlers would glance at the grandfather clock in the manorial hall I vaguely remember a film which took the Mickey out of It all, where a gentleman in evening dress arrived at Broadcasting House, was escorted to the studio where he put on a pair of white gloves that he happened to have about his person and, on request he would operate a Morse key and the pips would be sent. Modern technology has done away with all that, we learn, so that depending on how I receive them they may be several seconds out. The thin edge of the wedge was the introduction a few years ago of a long, slidey sort of sixth pip: was the precise moment the start of the pip, or the end? My sense of rhythm tells me it was the start, but why introduce any doubt in the first place? Do you ever listen to the BBC World Service? When the pips come up on that. You can hear a sort of echo pip between each one, which is those being transmitted on VF or Long wave. Which are accurate? Now we are told that the new, digital radios receive their signals via the ancient analogue system and somehow the electricity is slow and a couple of seconds can elapse before the listener knows how old he is, for heaven's sakes It's not good enough We thought we had achieved something unique in our speaker last month, but Sir Bernard Ingham put us m our place by saying we were just about the last of the local Probus Clubs to invite him. Could It have been our shyness, we wondered, or our worries about bothering a busy man') Either way, It was all worth waiting for and we settled back to listen to a past master of the Speaker's Art Thank heavens your Editor had not solipsically referred to him as a Spin Doctor; he was Press Secretary to PM Margaret Thatcher The 'Spin' thing was invented by the ."'New York Times’ never understood by Mrs Thatcher But It was a reminder of the ancient warfare between Government and the Media, existing ever since Caxton developed the art of printing. Richard III and Henry VII outlawed printing m the I5th Century and that was just the start. Taxation of the Press followed. Journalists were transported for misreporting Government (the latest possibly being Rupert Murdoch) and It was 1791 before limited reporting of Parliament was allowed In the I The Century Charles Dickens did It, but hated the surroundings of smells from the Thames and turned to fiction instead Lloyd George was the first PM to use the media for his own ends, especially during WW I when the news he thought fit to be read by the population was distributed by the Ministry of Information, closed up In 1918 until WW II reintroduced the need. Attlee then kept It up, as the Government Information Office, run, Sir Bernard reminded us, by Civil Servants who were impartial In those days and not party-minded How things have changed! Now, leaks rule, lies are never told, of course, but the information gets out. Watergate was the start of It all and television has proved untameable; not new but greatly intensifying the number of stones, so No I ° has brought 10 Its own Press Officers Under the Blair regime Mandleson appeared to be the right man for the Job, but proved wayward and resigned and now replacements - quantities of them - ensure that the leaks go to the right newspapers, with nothing for those supporting the opposition. It is even suspected that journalists have been bought, the obvious corruption of parts of the press result In the unlooked for total disbelief by the electorate of anything Government announces The whole body politic cannot now be seen to tell the truth But then they're politicians, with no statesmen left on which depressmg note, Sir Bernard left us to work out a scheme of our 0W11 that might bring our democracy back from the brink. He's the sort of chap that makes you think
Reg Baker was able to announce that the most likely cost per head for the Ladles' Luncheon on October 20th. Will be £20, allowing us a reasonable tip for serving staff and a small profit well worth the price, if previous lunches at the Coulsdon Manor Hotel are anything to go by Phil Munson told us that there will be an outing to Windsor Castle on July 21st. Details will be on the notlceboard today Most, If not all of the tram fare would be paid by our freedom passes, leaving Just the reduced (age again) entrance fee Also he plans a visit to Down House, near BlggIn HIll, erstwhile home of the famous Darwin and which has received excellent reports on TV recently Also, book September 16th for a visit arranged by Dennis Evans to the Surrey Masonic Halls m Croydon where you can learn something of freemasons' doings Ladles welcome, too. Again, details on the notlceboard At last month's meeting we were surprised to see Roger Davis collecting our luncheon subs where was Malcolm Ruscoe-Pond? Turns out that he was taken into hospital the previous day with an unstoppable nosebleed. Rumours abounded, but after a couple of visits to local hospitals he has been pronounced safe to be let out and everything should be back to normal as you read this Also last month we heard that Dave Darlington had left Coulsdon to live in Oxford, near his daughter who lives and works there Then, two weeks ago John Morgan phoned to say that he had returned to his home here. Astonishment mixed with delight again I telephoned Dave, to learn that had indeed been to the City of Dreaming Spires and had stayed in an OP's Home, but just as a trial for a week, to see If he liked It. He had enjoyed the break, he told me and it would be nice to live just round the comer from his daughter. That was all for a possible future but meanwhile he is in his own home for now. Good to have him back On one of the very, very hot days we had a couple of weeks ago I took to shorts while doing some more work on the outside of the house I came across a pair which I couldn't believe still existed buttoned fly, made of a thick cotton maternal - even the empty pockets felt full - and a style that went out with the TV show "It Am't Half Hot, Mum", wide m the leg and gettmg wider the further down you went I tried them on and, so help me they fitted, If I left the top button undone I was able to date them to around 1960, made in Nigeria by the local tailor When I returned from leave each time, he would be round like a shot and would fix me up with just about all the working clothes I needed, comprising three pairs of shorts and three open-necked light cotton shirts which, washed by my steward after each day's wear, were Ironed and put away and would last me a whole eighteen month tour of duty The cost of this extensive wardrobe? A total of £3 I suppose I should add a few quid for socks and underpants, but not a bad price all the same. Of course the other boasting point about all this is that they still near-enough fitted me The down-side is that they looked like I was wearing a girl's skirt and made a neighbor laugh out loud when he saw me 10 them About two years ago, Harry Cundell kindly sent me the following which wasn't used then, since there seemed no need to remind readers of the difficult times her neighbors have had historically With that beautiful country Recent events have changed all that and It behoves your Editor to remind you of any likely outcome, should It come to fighting in the old sense - Ed] In his text, much edited to fit, Harry reminds us Gallic Won: Lost 2000 years ago, against, of all things, an Italian 100 Yean War Mostly lost, saved m the end by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently lays down the First Rule of French warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a French man " Italian Wan France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians 30 Yean War France not technically a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claimed as a tie since the other participants eventually totally ignored her I Devolution War: Tied Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux The.' Dutch War Lost, but clam1ed as a tie Three ties 10 a row, deluding Francophiles the world over to label The period as the height of French military power Spanish Succession: Lost American Revolution: Wm claimed, though English colonists saw more action This is later known as the "de Gaulle Syndrome" and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare "France only ins when America does most of the fighting " French Revolution Won, due to the fact that the opponents were French The Napoleonic Wars: Lost Temporary early victories put down to leadership by a Corsican (See first Rule above), but he ended up being no match for an English footwear designer Franco-Prussian War: Lost No allies to help World War I: Nearly lost but saved late in the day by the USA (see Second Rule) Thousands of French women learn what it's like to sleep with a winner who doesn't call her 'Fraulein'' Sadly, Widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement of the French bloodline World War 11: Lost France liberated by British and US troops just as they finish learning the words to the Horst Wessel song War In Indochina: Lost French forces plead sickness with Dlen Bien flu Algerian Rebellion: Lost, the first defeat of a western army by Muslims since the Crusades first Rule of Muslim Warfare "We can always beat the French" War on Terrorism: Ongoing, but keepmg in mind their past record, they surrender to the Germans And Muslims. Just to be safe
Produced and edited monthly by Ian Scales (01737 553704)
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